I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
