you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Randomize
