Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
