kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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