I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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