I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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