My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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