I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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