I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
