was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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