even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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