Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize