If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
