Little spoons don't ask big questions
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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