i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
