this boner is exhausting
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
