No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
