Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Randomize
