There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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