if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
