Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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