I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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