it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
