In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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