Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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