She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
