Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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