I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
