Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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