Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
