I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize