Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
