Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
