I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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