I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Randomize
