woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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