she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
