I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Redeem this text for a blowjob
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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