She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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