If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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