he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
