My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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