She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
