So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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