Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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