Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
