Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
