I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
if i died would you start the facebook group?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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