I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
there's paper in my vomit.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
