A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
