Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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