So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
