No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
