i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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